2018 5th Place Game Naming Tournament - Sweet Sixteen
Introduction Here, at last, is the grand Sweet Sixteen round of the tournament. The ultimate round of every naming tournament. Eight new names are introduced and do battle with eight names that have already survived the opening round. Is our winner in the batch we’ve already seen (probably not) or is it one of these fresh, exciting new names now entering the fold? Pat Goes Off Script Kudos to Patrick for going completely off script in the fantasy thread, like Larry David in an episode of Curb ad-libbing his way through the plot. For years we have been developing the story of The Dark Universe, where evil Fantasy Overlords use mirror magic to corrupt our league. Pat has been a big supporter of the Mirror Universe. It’s been a running joke that he fails every year because he uses dark powers and the good Fantasy Gods always win. So when last season we started to run the Glorio plot, with Glorio taking over and capturing the Fantasy Gods, you’d think that would clue Pat in to the fact that HIS dictator is now ruling our league. So his narrative should change accordingly, right? That was sort of the joke. So props to Pat for trying to stage a revolution against me in the thread on Monday, even though I am technically now a robot who has replaced the real Commish. Great work Pat. Way to keep up with the story. With attention to detail like this it's no wonder half these 5th place game names are an ode to you. Rule Changes As Pat alluded to in his overthrow that lasted all of ten minutes before his overthrow was overthrown by a counter-overthrow, we are changing some rules around. But not by much. I mostly want to reform the defensive scoring categories to take some of the weight off the DST spot. I don’t have problems with high scoring but it’s when the high scoring is erratic that I have an issue. But we’ll get into that more as our tourney winds down. Everyone just R-E-L-A-X. Football isn’t for another three months. Off-Season Standings 350 for Papa for paying his dues. Strange that the five people at the top of the rankings are the half of the league that has paid their dues. Obviously, we'll update the standings with everyone's tourney score once we finish the games. Opening Eight Results Some major upsets. The Battle of Mediocrity (6) vs. The Ass Eatin'Ship (3) Well color me shocked. Ass Eatin doesn't make it beyond the opening eight. I guess this league does give off more of a "mediocrity" vibe. Rhode Island Roundnet Presents: The 5th Place Game (7) vs. Paddock's Prerogative (2) Damn, guys. How you gunna do alliterations dirty like this? Our first sponsored game is alive and well as the first Paddock-centric name takes the L. This Counts as a Playoff Win (5) vs. The Equator Bowl (4) This Counts as a Playoff Win garnered the first five votes before dropping the last four to make this look closer than it was. This game name was so popular that the person who submitted "The Equator Bowl" even voted for it. The swing vote. Unreal. Love the honesty though. I Plead the Fiiifff (5) vs. The Inconsequenbowl (4) Same deal with this name. 5 of the first 6 votes go to Fiiifff before the last three go to Inconsequenbowl to make this a contest. Inconsequenbowl had to have been the #1 or #2 seed of this opening round so I am in awe that it got beat out by a name that isn't even really a name, more just like a sound you make. League Rank Okay, folks. I'm going to be real with you. There was a very clear strategy with this ranking system. While I admire the honesty, every single person in this league should have ranked themselves 10th. That way they bring up their point multiplier. Then 1-9 you rank everyone else in the order of funniest to least funniest, or in order from your rival to "eh, we're cool, I'll throw you a bone at 9" to try and give yourself the best shot at winning. Shoutout to Pat and Chris, who both ranked themselves as the funniest, and then each other as least funny. They then proceeded to vote for each other's names in the tournament. You cannot make this shit up. Seriously might be the league's best rivalry right now out of utter ridiculousness. I took the average ranking from all 9 voters (I didn't vote) and here are our multipliers: The Sweet Sixteen We have a couple of classics here in the sweet sixteen. I mean, literally, two names were submitted with “classic” in the title. The 5 Guys Game vs. The Battle of Mediocrity Folks, we have a real contender here. The 5 Guys Game is not only a name, it comes with a wager. The loser of this game has to buy the winner 5 Guys. This is particularly ruthless for Paddock 9 since he’s our resident vegetarian. Imagine the humiliation of winning the game and having to eat a burger? Or worse, you lose and you have to buy the winner an innocent, slaughtered baby animal that dude then eats right in your eyeballs. Fucking love this idea. Meanwhile, The Battle of Mediocrity rolls on. Battle of Asscum vs. The L on the Back Game Perhaps the devastating loss by The Ass Eatin’Ship at the hands of mediocrity is a sign that Asscum is doomed in their battle against L on the Back, but wait! This is the thinking man’s butt joke. Asscum is a play on Asculum, “the namesake battle of a Pyrrhic victory.” By definition, a Pyrrhic victory is one which inflicts such a toll on the victor that it is tantamount to defeat. In LOC terms, a victory so hollow it’s pretty much a loss. Now that’s how you turn asscum into something Socrates would be proud of! Facing off against Asscum is L on the Back. This might not be the thinking man’s 5th place name, but it does work on a few levels. L on the back is a play on “Pat on the Back,” the poorly rated youtube feature that Paddock 9 ran all last season where he handed out sarcastic “pats on the back” to people. In the 5th place game, even a win is an L, so you get an L on the back for your efforts. Not only does it rip on the winner, but it immortalizes Pat’s failures throughout the first seven years (and counting) of the league. The Participation Award Bowl vs. RI Roundnet Presents: The 5th Place Game After trouncing Paddock’s Perogative in the opener, our sponsered name goes up against the behemoth sweet sixteen name “The Participation Award Bowl.” What a slap in the face this name is. Good job, you showed up. You’re the little kid who can’t kick a soccer ball but wins a trophy anyway. Actually, I was that kid...It was great. Can the advertisement game withstand the force of Participation? The McAteer Classic vs. The Battle of the LOC Bastards The McAteer Classic has all the majesty of the Masters. When I see that name I think of a well-groomed golf course with rose bushes growing in the rough. McAteer Classic honors the winningest 5th place game team, Paddock 9. Hard to say if McAteer Classic is an insult to the most average team ever, or if this will be weaponized by P9 and used as a bragging point. Dangerous name with some potential depending on who wields it. The Battle of the LOC Bastards is one of four “battle” names we have in this competition. For comparison, we also have 6 “Games,” 4 “Bowls,” and 2 “Classics.” I like this name because it gives the game some importance (it’s a battle!) but also insults the participants (you’re nothing but the league’s bastard children). It’s a reference to episode 9 of Game of Thrones Season 6. A bloody slaughter. Surrounded by carnage, even the winner suffers a Pyrrhic victory. Look at us using our vocab words! The 6th Place Game vs. This Counts as a Playoff Win Going up against TCPW is a real thinker. The 6th Place Game. Someone lost sleep trying to come up with this name. “It’s called the 5th place game, right? Okay, hear me out. What if we call it….the 6th place game?” Hemingway is in expatriot heaven beating himself up that he never came up with a creative title like this one. So basically the point of this name is that you’re not playing for 5th, you’re playing for not-6th. Cinco De Lose-O vs. Powderpuff Paddock’s Permanent Position Cinco De Lose-O is just fire flames. There’s no question. It’s a celebration of losing. A holiday that literally translates to fifth of lose-O. Week 15 will officially be Cinco De Lose-O. We can have hats and streamers and bust open a pinata filled with old person candy. And oh, hello. What do we have here? A little alliteration action? Four P’s in a row? BRRRRAT BRRAT. YAKYAKYAK. Spray ‘em 50. Powderpuff Paddock. Dead. Kill ‘em. His Permanent Position. 5th. Hold on let me see if I can use my new Spanish language skills. El Powderpuff De Paddock es Perminentalia en un Cinco De Lose-O. Si? The Who Cares Classic vs. I Plead the Fiiifff I Plead the Fiiifff pulled off an upset and now goes up against a juggernaut name in the Who Cares Classic. Who Cares Classic is our second “classic” name, but since they’re on seperate sides of the bracket they can only meet in a potential Championship matchup. This name has some real potential. That word “classic,” it conjures up that image of importance and majesty. Juxtapose this to “who cares” and it blends perfectly, like a strawberry and banana smoothie, or a shitty dinosaur movie and Pat’s blind love for it. Who Cares Classic says what we’re all thinking: who the fuck cares about this game? But it also gives it a mystique and makes you want to pay attention to the results. Or we go with I Plead the Fiiifff, whose merits are already known. Can this keep the streak alive? The Mediocre Bowl vs. The No Name Game What is more mediocre that the Battle of Mediocrity? A Mediocre Bowl. I like the assonance of this name (more butt stuff). mediOcre bOwl. It’s a beauty. Is it destined to face off against The Battle of Mediocrity in the most mediocre championship game in naming tourney history? The No Name Game. What a fucking BEAST. Should be the first overall seed in this tournament in my opinion. A name so insulting it’s not even a name at all. An alliteration with “no name” followed up with a goddamn rhyme with “name game.” Poem porn. A well-crafted masterpiece. Side note there is a bar in Park City called “The No Name Saloon.” We used to get takeout for lunch when I was working on “Mosaic,” and by ‘we got takeout’ I mean we sent my hot but super dumb and annoying assistant to pick up our lunch. Anyway, one day my hot but super dumb and annoying assistant came back from picking up lunch and she was crying. I guess the bartender told her to fuck off after she didn’t leave a tip. I’m a pretty small, useless excuse for an enforcer, but for some reason that pissed me off. So I marched down there to the bar and asked him what his problem was. You’re really going to get mad at a short blonde chick who clearly is buying lunch on her company’s dime? He said he only made $2 an hour and worked off tips. I said too fucking bad. It’s his job to make us burgers. It’s not our job to tip him for his trouble. If he wants to get paid more he should take it up with his boss and not pick on hot but dumb blonde chicks. Anyway, long story short I gave the guy $10 and never ate his burgers again. I know that makes it sound like I lost this fight but in his defense, my assistant was really fucking dumb and annoying. VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE.